Life is a balancing act. Holding on and letting go.
Holding on to hurt, holding on to words, holding on to a thoughtless comment or deed. I’ve held on to many. A heavy burden to carry.
I’ve also held on to small hands, vistas, laughter, tears of joy and loving someone so much you can no longer catch your breath.
It is only very recently that I have begun to consciously seek to let go of the type of holding on that holds me back.
The hurt that we bury deep inside. The hurt that tethers us to unhappiness. Hurt that we dig back up every time we no longer feel worthy, when we feel alone, when we feel threatened or simply, when we are tempted to play self-destructive games.
We dig the hurt back up and we poke at it with a mental stick, until once again it is raw and felt as acutely as the day it was inflicted.
This month I unexpectedly found myself face to face with someone who had hurt me. So much so, that I had withdrawn from our once shared social group. You see, I am porous, no Teflon coating here. Words and actions can cut deep.
Always fearful of confrontation, I could feel my hands beginning to tremor, my heart fluttering like a trapped butterfly in a bell jar. I had a choice in that moment, to scuttle back to the safety of my car or have the conversation I had been dreading and finally free myself from the weight of words.
I’m still not sure what the catalyst was that evening, what gave me the strength to finally voice my hurt. Perhaps it was sheer emotional exhaustion or perhaps it was realising that I was holding myself back. I was no longer in possession of a generous heart, just an injustice I had spent too long nursing.
Only I could stop the power of a heavy heart.
I went and spoke to the person who had hurt me. We ended up standing in that car park, in the dark that cold evening, talking for a long time.
I apologised for not having given them space to have this conversation before. For withdrawing. Then we hugged and in that moment….my heavy heart lifted.
We can’t go back and re-write the past. We can’t undo wrongdoings or rebalance the scales of injustice but we do have a choice as to whether we allow something to shape our forever or not.
We can choose to create a new now and to create a new ending.
Lovely words that resonate so deep with me too. It’s hard letting go, but man does it feel good when we finally do xx
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It really does doesn’t it. The release made me realise how much it had been affecting me. Forgiveness is a beautiful feeling. Xx
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Not being able to forgive someone close to me held me back for 20 years. It was liberating to let go of the past and move forward in a new normal, we are close again now and I will never regret making that leap.
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That’s so wonderful to hear, I feel the same. It was definitely holding me back, liberating is the right word for it xx
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I’m so glad thy you were able to have this experience and feel both the physical and emotional release. Thank you for opening up being vulnerable and sharing.
Cherie x
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It is very true what you have written. I have been hurt by people in the past, I think it was useful to allow myself to be upset for a short while but then I had to release myself from that pain.
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Forgiveness is the most freeing gift we can give ourselves. 🙂
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Im currently having this kind of experience right now. Sad but I know I can get through this issue.
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Hello, I just wanted to reach out. I am sorry you are experiencing similar feelings at the moment. I know it can be so difficult but you are right, you can get through this. I’m not sure where in the world you are but please explore the support avaliable around you, because talking really does help. x
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When you try to hold on to the past – that means you have free time in the present – you’re wasting your free time!
Find something you can do to bring you cheer and fulfil your dreams in the now!
When you accomplish your task, you’ll get double the gratitude when you finish!
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Lovely words that penetrate real deep….
Check out my posts in Apicaholism
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So true! People who have hurt us in the past can no longer hurt us, unless we permit them to still linger in our memory by holding on to hurt they caused us. We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. Your words are heartfelt!
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I’m glad you were able to let go of the past hurts. For me, it’s mostly time and age that has achieved that, I was never able to let go deliberately.
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I definitely think that as we get older we have more perspective on these things but it isn’t easy. I have forgiven but I have been bitten and it makes me hesitant to revisit that friendship. x
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love this!! i have been let down and hurt so much in life & i really need to come to terms at forgiving others. life can be sooo hard sometimes & heavy on us
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It can, be really heavy but the freedom I felt just letting that hurt go has been life changing. I hope you can find the same freedom too. X
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yess i truely hope soo tooo!! 🙂
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